Crucify My Pride Completely彻底钉死我的骄傲

My testimony begins with God’s loving discipline.
我的见证是从神爱的管教开始的。
If love has no discipline or boundaries, it becomes spoiling rather than true love.
如果爱没有管教和界限，就会变成溺爱，而不是真正的爱。
The Bible says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).
圣经说：“神阻挡骄傲的人，赐恩给谦卑的人”（雅4:6）。
I never expected God to reveal my pride in this way.
我从未想到神会用这样的方式显明我的骄傲。
But I now realise this is probably a lesson I will spend my whole life learning.
但我现在意识到，这可能是我一生都要学习的功课。

I’m coming to the end of my student years and about to step into a new season of life — work, marriage, and everything ahead.
我的学生时代即将结束，也将要进入人生新的阶段——工作、婚姻，以及前面所有的一切。
Looking back now, I’m truly thankful that God used this experience to teach me something so important: to have a humble heart like Jesus.
现在回头看，我真的很感恩，神使用这段经历教导我一件非常重要的事：要有一颗像耶稣一样谦卑的心。
Earlier this year, there was a period when I honestly didn’t really feel like coming to church.
今年年初，有一段时间，我其实真的不太想来教会。
One reason was because one of my academic papers still hadn’t been accepted.
其中一个原因是，我的一篇学术论文一直还没有被接收。
Instead of simply comforting me, Brother Raymond told me that my attitude towards God wasn’t quite right.
Raymond弟兄没有只是简单地安慰我，而是告诉我，我对神的态度不太对。
At the same time, I was under huge pressure trying to finish the final stage of my thesis.
与此同时，我也承受着很大的压力，努力完成论文最后阶段的工作。

I kept thinking to myself:
我心里一直在想：
“I pray every day asking God for good news.
“我每天都祷告，求神给我好消息。
My paper still hasn’t been accepted — my thesis absolutely cannot go wrong.”
我的论文还没有被接收——我的毕业论文绝对不能出问题。”
I had already spent two and a half years working on it.
我已经花了两年半的时间在这上面。
If something failed, I would probably need another six months to revise it.
如果哪里出了问题，我可能还需要再花六个月来修改。
My university had a special graduation requirement related to “innovation scores”.
我的大学有一个特别的毕业要求，是关于“创新分数”的。
You needed to pass the innovation section before they would even look at the overall mark.
你必须先通过创新部分，他们才会看总成绩。
My thesis went through one open review and two blind reviews, so my supervisor and I kept calculating how many innovation points I needed in order to safely pass.
我的毕业论文经历了一次公开评审和两次盲审，所以我和导师一直在计算，我需要多少创新分数才能稳妥通过。
In the end, we believed three innovation points would be enough.
最后，我们认为三分创新分应该就够了。

About half a month after submission, I received the result.
提交大约半个月后，我收到了结果。
I failed.
我没有通过。
I missed the required innovation score by just one point.
我只差一分，就达到所要求的创新分数。
The open reviewer passed all my innovation points.
公开评审通过了我所有的创新点。
One blind reviewer also passed all of them.
其中一位盲审评审也全部通过了。
I already had six points — I only needed one more point to pass.
我已经有六分了——只需要再多一分就能通过。
But the other blind reviewer rejected every single innovation point.
但是另一位盲审评审否定了每一个创新点。
Honestly, no one expected something with such a tiny probability to happen.
说实话，没有人想到这种概率这么小的事情会发生。
Not long afterwards, my supervisor rang me to encourage me.
不久之后，我的导师打电话来鼓励我。
We carefully read through the reviewer’s comments, trying to understand why none of my innovation points had been accepted.
我们仔细读了评审的意见，想要弄明白为什么我的创新点一个都没有被接受。

One sentence stood out:
有一句话特别刺痛了我：
“The author’s innovation points are somewhat full.”
“作者的创新点有些满。”
When I first saw the word “full”, I thought perhaps it simply meant I had written too much — that it was too wordy.
当我第一次看到“满”这个字的时候，我以为也许只是说我写得太多了——太啰嗦了。
But my supervisor said:
但我的导师说：
“Could it mean your claims sound a bit overstated?”
“会不会是说你的表述听起来有点夸大？”
I froze for a moment.
我一下子愣住了。
I read the comment again carefully.
我又仔细读了一遍评审意见。
There were many ways the reviewer could have described my points as exaggerated or overconfident.
如果评审想说我的创新点夸大或过于自信，其实有很多种表达方式。
But why use the word “full”?
但为什么偏偏用“满”这个字呢？
I still clearly remember that day.
我到现在还清楚记得那一天。
It was a Thursday, and I had no energy at all because of what had happened with my thesis.
那是一个星期四，因为论文发生的事，我整个人一点力气都没有。
That evening, I listened online to Pastor Fu preaching.
那天晚上，我在线听傅牧师讲道。
He spoke about Jesus knowing He was about to be crucified, and Jesus saying to His disciples:
他讲到耶稣知道自己即将被钉十字架，并且耶稣对门徒说：
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” （John 16:33）
“在世上，你们有苦难。但你们可以放心！我已经胜了世界。”（约16:33）
As soon as I heard those words, I started crying uncontrollably because I felt like I was facing such a huge problem too.
我一听到这些话，就忍不住哭了起来，因为我觉得自己也正在面对一个很大的问题。
That night, I began praying and reflecting:
那天晚上，我开始祷告和反思：
“What does this word ‘full’ really mean?”
“这个‘满’字到底是什么意思？”
Eventually, I realised the problem wasn’t only in my writing.
后来，我意识到问题不只是出在我的写作上。
It was the pride hidden inside my own heart.
而是隐藏在我自己心里的骄傲。
Part of that pride was thinking that, as a PhD student, I could somehow understand the infinitely great God through my own limited knowledge and reasoning.
这种骄傲的一部分，是我以为自己作为一个博士生，可以靠着自己有限的知识和理性，去理解那位无限伟大的神。
But it was also the pride hidden in the way I judged other people in my heart.
但这也包括我在心里论断别人时所隐藏的骄傲。

The next day, Friday, I went to speak with Pastor Jane.
第二天，星期五，我去找Jane牧师谈。
I told her I needed to repent.
我告诉她，我需要悔改。
I admitted that there was pride in my heart, and that I wanted to truly return to church and listen to God again.
我承认自己心里有骄傲，也承认我想真正回到教会，再次聆听神。
Pastor Jane, Brother Raymond, and Li all prayed for me.
Jane牧师、Raymond弟兄和Li都为我祷告。
Over the next two Sundays, Pastor Jane led me in prayers of repentance and forgiveness.
接下来的两个主日，Jane牧师带领我作悔改和饶恕的祷告。
During the prayer, I was deeply convicted by the Holy Spirit.
在祷告中，圣灵深深地光照责备我。
I cried as I genuinely repented of my pride before God.
我哭着在神面前真心悔改自己的骄傲。
During one of the prayers, Pastor Jane also sensed that God’s blessing was going to come soon.
在其中一次祷告中，Jane牧师也感受到神的祝福很快就要临到。
Not long afterwards, God gave me a dream.
不久之后，神给了我一个梦。
In the dream, I drove two Buddhists out of my room.
在梦里，我把两个佛教徒赶出了我的房间。
I realised I still carried some old Buddhist thinking inside me.
我意识到自己里面仍然带着一些过去佛教思想的影响。
I had been treating God almost like an idol — as though going to church was some kind of exchange:
我过去几乎把神当成偶像来对待——好像来教会是一种交换：
“God, look, I’m attending church now, so You should help my thesis pass.
“神啊，你看，我现在来教会了，所以你应该帮助我的论文通过。
You should help me graduate.
你应该帮助我毕业。
You should bless me.”
你应该祝福我。”
At the end of the dream, there was also a jade pendant my mother had given me for protection.
在梦的最后，还出现了我妈妈曾经给我保平安的玉坠。

The following Sunday, Brother Raymond led me through another prayer of repentance.
接下来的主日，Raymond弟兄再次带领我作悔改的祷告。
In Jesus’ name, we renounced that dependence and symbolically broke the meaning attached to the pendant.
奉耶稣的名，我们弃绝了那种依靠，并象征性地断开了那个玉坠所承载的意义。
He also encouraged me by saying he believed my thesis would pass in May.
他也鼓励我，说他相信我的论文会在五月通过。
During that prayer, I was overwhelmed again by God’s love.
在那次祷告中，我再次被神的爱深深充满和震撼。
I honestly couldn’t understand why God would love me like this.
说实话，我真的不明白神为什么这样爱我。
Who am I?
我是谁呢？
As I reflected on my journey, I realised that if God had not chosen and guided me, I could never have come to New Zealand, come to this church, or experienced His salvation like this.
当我回想自己一路走来的经历时，我意识到，如果不是神拣选我、引导我，我根本不可能来到新西兰，来到这间教会，也不可能这样经历祂的救恩。
Looking back now, there were so many moments where everything had to line up perfectly.
现在回头看，有太多时刻，一切都必须刚刚好地配合在一起。
If even one thing had gone differently, I would not be here today experiencing God’s grace.
如果其中任何一件事稍微不同，我今天都不会在这里经历神的恩典。
The following week, my supervisor rang me again and said:
接下来的一周，我的导师又打电话给我，说：
“Don’t revise the thesis yet.
“先不要修改论文。
We’re going to appeal.”
我们要申诉。”

He approached several professors on the academic committee to sign support forms so my thesis could be resubmitted.
他去找了学术委员会的几位教授，请他们签署支持表格，好让我的论文可以重新提交。
The second review involved two new blind reviewers.
第二次评审会由两位新的盲审评审来进行。
If both passed the thesis, then the first negative review would become invalid.
如果他们两位都通过论文，那么第一次那个负面的评审结果就会失效。
I still remember my supervisor saying:
我仍然记得导师对我说：
“This time, you only need three innovation points to pass.”
“这一次，你只需要三分创新分就能通过。”
I replied:
我回答说：
“I don’t even dare calculate anymore.
“我现在连算都不敢算了。
Something with such a tiny probability already happened the first time.
第一次已经发生了概率那么小的事情。
I don’t dare predict anything now.”
我现在什么都不敢预测了。”

So every day I prayed:
所以我每天祷告：

“God, I really don’t want to spend another six months revising this thesis after spending two and a half years writing it.
“神啊，我真的不想在花了两年半写完这篇论文之后，还要再花六个月来修改它。
But even if the second review still fails, I won’t doubt You.
但是，即使第二次评审还是没有通过，我也不会怀疑你。
If I need to spend another six months revising it properly, I’m willing to do that too, because I believe Your plans are always higher than mine.”
如果我需要再花六个月好好修改，我也愿意这样做，因为我相信你的计划永远高过我的计划。”
Then something unexpected happened.
然后，意想不到的事情发生了。
Only one week after the second submission, I received the result:
第二次提交后仅仅一周，我就收到了结果：
Both blind reviewers gave my thesis full marks and passed it completely.
两位盲审评审都给了我的论文满分，并且完全通过。
Even their revision comments were very positive and encouraging.
甚至他们的修改意见也非常积极和鼓励人。
I shared the good news with the people around me, and everyone was genuinely happy for me.
我把这个好消息分享给身边的人，大家都真心为我高兴。
Of course, I thanked God too.
当然，我也感谢神。

One of my friends joked:
我的一个朋友开玩笑说：
“Your thesis must be incredibly valuable — even the founders of two faculties signed to support your appeal!”
“你的论文一定非常有价值——连两个学院的创始人都签字支持你的申诉！”
Today, I especially want to share this testimony because it was through this church picnic around the same time last year that I first came to this church.
今天我特别想分享这个见证，因为大约去年这个时候，正是通过这次教会野餐，我第一次来到这间教会。
Over this past year, my life has changed so much.
过去这一年，我的生命发生了很大的改变。
I used to enjoy arguing with people and thought I understood quite a lot.
以前我很喜欢和人争论，也觉得自己懂得不少。
But now I realise I actually understand very little — especially when it comes to God.
但现在我意识到，其实我明白得很少——尤其是在认识神这件事上。
My understanding of Him was very shallow.
我对祂的认识曾经非常浅薄。
I hope all of us can come to know Christ through faith, rather than only learning little by little through pain and struggle.
我盼望我们每一个人都能借着信心来认识基督，而不是只能通过痛苦和挣扎一点一点地学习。
Some people may still find many reasons not to believe that God is real.
有些人也许仍然会找到很多理由，不相信神是真实的。
But for me, I no longer doubt.
但对我来说，我不再怀疑了。
Of course, there will still be many challenges in my future.
当然，我未来仍然会有许多挑战。
But the Bible teaches us not only to pray in times of trouble and praise God in times of joy (James 5:13), but also to rejoice in suffering, because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; and character produces hope (Romans 5:3–4).
但圣经教导我们，不仅要在受苦的时候祷告，在喜乐的时候赞美神（雅各书5:13），也要在患难中欢欢喜喜，因为患难生忍耐；忍耐生老练；老练生盼望（罗马书5:3–4）。

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”我们晓得，万事都互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处，就是按祂旨意被召的人。” (罗马书 8:28).

   Witnesses: Li Hao